“I Wish I Was In The Hospital”

Some of you may read this and completely relate,

others may read it and think I’m completely off my rocker.

There was a point in my health care journey where I would cry myself to sleep, wishing I was in the hospital, rather than at home. I didn’t really understand why I’d do this, but all I knew is I wanted to be back in the hospital.

This thinking went on for months. I really didn’t understand why I’d rather be in the hospital!

1. My house was so much more comfortable (not to mention my bed!)

2. I wasn’t hooked up to IV’s or anything like that at my house

3. I could take a shower or change my clothes whenever I wanted to

And the list goes on and on.

It wasn’t until recently that I dove down deep into my feelings that I understood why I wanted to be in the hospital so bad.

It wasn’t the actual place that I wanted to be, but the state or illusion that the hospital meant to me in my mind.

When I went into the hospital in December 2012, I had such high hopes.

No one I had seen previously could help me and I thought being admitted into a new health system would open me up to a whole string of new doctors who could surely fix me. When I laid in the hospital bed, I knew that a quick push of the button would ring the nurse who could come give me a dose of dilaudid… the only way to get rid of the pain. As soon as I’d get the medicine injected into my IV I’d get such a cooling sensation all over my body and would feel at peace for a few moments. {This honestly made me realize why drug addicts love getting high – and NO I don’t have a problem, but just the feeling and that longingness I would feel for getting rid of the pain, I believe that could be relatable to drug addicts}

The doctors that came in and out of my room, sure some of them were jerks and treated me horribly, but others gave me hope. Hope that they’d be able to help me and get me back to my life.

I knew that as long as I was in the hospital I didn’t have to worry. I didn’t have to worry about when to take my medications. I didn’t have to worry about responsibilities. I didn’t have to worry about being in pain. Every one else was worrying for me. All I had to do was lay in that hospital bed, take their medication and advice, and sleep. It was also the first time in about a month that I was able to rest.

So now that I break it down, I don’t wish to be in the hospital per say, I wish to be in an environment where I have no responsibilities for my health, where I have no pain, where I can rely on others to do everything that I need them to do for me, where if I need something all I need to do is press a button and someone will bring it to me, and a place where I can just rest.

Sounds nice, right? haha!

If you google “I want to be in the hospital” or some derivative of it, you’re brought to a ton of depression forums. During this time where I’d cry about wanting to be in the hospital, I can definitely say I was depressed. But even now, sans depression, is wanting to be in a place where you feel safe and have no responsibilities, cares or worries such a bad thing? I’m not at the point of dwelling on it anymore, but I’m sure we can all relate to it on one level or another.

Now a days, I long for my bed.

It’s the one place that makes me feel ‘safe’. Where I know if I’m not feeling well I can curl up in a ball and be by myself. If I’m out with other people I can’t necessarily do that. That’s why I don’t like being away from my house for long periods of time because I crave my ‘safe place’. I never used to be like this! I used to want to always live out of a suitcase and always keep on traveling.

Times change, people change . . . is it necessarily a bad thing?

I think we all crave some sort of normalcy or safe haven. Somewhere where we can go or be that we can just focus on getting ourselves well or resting. I know there are plenty of people, without chronic diagnosis, that feel this same way.

Does this resonate with you? Do you have a place like this?

If you feel brave enough to share, write it in the comments below!

Wishing You A Pain Free Day!