Up to this point, my blog has always been a personal journey of my own health issues. What I’ve personally experienced, the pain and healing I’ve come to know. But in this last year, I’ve crossed into new territories. I’ve experienced things I never thought I would have to. Having been witness to my daughter’s own health struggles, it’s brought along new challenges for me personally to face.
This time last year, our world was a kaleidoscope of beeping machines, sterile smells, the woosh of the x-ray machine, navigating life of the PICU with 3 children at home and the ever-present hum of anxiety. Half of Elle’s young life had unfolded within the walls of Children’s Hospital.
As this new year unfolds and I see Elle thriving at home, my heart BURSTS with gratitude. SO much gratitude. Endless amounts of it. But alongside the joy, the echoes of those difficult days reverberate. They creep in when I start to look at the calendar and remember what happened a year ago. I can’t help myself but to pull up photos from a year ago and scroll through. Some of them are hard to look at, but I’m glad I have them.
Those memories of fear, uncertainity, confusion – so raw. They feel like yesterday.
It’s funny, isn’t it? How the mind works. Even with EMDR therapy, a process that has helped me immensely, those moments are etched into my being. They resurface when I least expect them – a reminder of the trauma we endured.
Sometimes I feel guilty for these flashbacks. . .
Shouldn’t I be over it by now?
Shouldn’t I just be happy she’s home?
But then I remember something crucial: healing isn’t linear. It’s a winding path with unexpected detours.
If you’ve walked a similar road, especially with a child facing health challenges, please know this: you are not alone.
Those flashbacks, those tough days when the memories feel overwhelming, they don’t diminish your strength. They don’t negate the progress you’ve made. They simply mean you’re HUMAN. You’ve experienced something profound, something that has irrevocably shaped you. And it’s okay to still feel the impact.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is the power of self-compassion. On the days when the memories are particularly vivid, I try to be gentle with myself. I allow myself to feel the emotions without judgment. I remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay. And then, I focus on the present. I look at Elle’s ever present smiling face (I swear she’s the happiest baby ever), along side her brothers and sister, her hearty laughter . . . and I remember how far she’s come.
How far WE’VE come as a family.
We’ve witnessed miracles, both big and small. The medical breakthroughs that saved her life, the kindness of strangers around the world who offered support, the unwavering love of family and friends. These moments of grace, these glimmers of hope, they are the anchors that keep me grounded during the storms.
If you’ve been here awhile, you know my mantra is “It’s just a bad day, NOT a bad life.” It’s a simple phrase, but it’s one that you have to remind yourself of constantly because those bad days can start to trick you!
Last year at this time, we were living through some incredibly bad days. Days filled with uncertainty, fear, and heartbreak. But those days, while they left their mark, do not define our lives. They are a chapter in our story, not the entire book. A chapter which has ultimately rocked our world, but has turned our course in the right direction. I’m honestly so grateful for the lessons we’ve learned over the last year.
So, what do I do to remind myself of my strength during difficult moments?
I look at my family. The beautiful chaos of having 4 kids under the age of 6.
I breathe. I pray. I connect with loved ones. I look at photos and videos of Elle and remember the miracles. And I allow myself to feel the full spectrum of emotions, knowing that healing is a journey, not a destination.
What about you? What are some things you do to remind yourself of your strength during difficult moments? Share your tips in the comments below – let’s support each other on this journey.
Wishing You A Pain Free Day!
