When you’re pregnant, you get so used to people asking when you’re due. Your due date becomes almost part of your identity.
October 29. That was when I was due. But having three other kids, these dates are more like guess dates. How could anyone possibly know exactly when your baby is going to come?
With Emme, I kicked her out ten days past my “due date.” (Read E’s birth story here) Wesley came one week exactly before my “due date.” (Read W’s birth story here) And CRAZY enough, Kieran came exactly on his “due date.” (Read K’s birth story here)
But with Elle – I always had a feeling she would be late. Everyone, especially as the date neared, told me they didn’t think I’d make it til my due date since it was my 4th. But I always had a feeling she would be late.
I wanted her to come on November 5, if I preferred. Why? Because Emme and Kieran were both born on the 17th, Wesley and I were born on the 21st, and Josh was born on the 5th with no birthday twin yet. So, I felt like November 5 was going to be the day.
I know she was “due” before Halloween, but I never pictured her being there with us for Halloween. It wasn’t until a last-minute panic in October that I thought- shoot, she absolutely could be here for Halloween. So I bought a few newborn onesies and planned a Halloween costume for her. The family was all Mario-themed. Josh was Luigi, Kieran was Mario, Wes was Bowser, Emme was Princess Peach, and I was a question box. Elle was going to be the Super Star inside the box if she made her debut before Halloween.
But Halloween came and went. And soon November 5 came and went. As I quickly approached 42 weeks, I started to become nervous.
In our plans, Elle is our last baby. And with all my babies, I’ve wanted a natural birth, meaning no epidural. I tried with all my kids, but certain circumstances with each made me unable to achieve this’ goal.’
Why did I want a natural birth?
Because I wanted to experience it. To say I did it. To feel empowered as a woman to have birthed without assistance.
I had overcome a lot of different mental hang-ups with all my births. For Emme, I went into the birth feeling SO confident in my body. I knew my body was made to birth a baby. I wasn’t worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it. But after two days of prodromal labor, I was exhausted and ended up getting Pitocin to kick her out.
After that birth, I did doubt my body. Why did it start but not finish?
Going into Wesley’s birth, I wondered – Could my body do it? Did it need intervention?
With Wes, my water partially broke, and I stayed home for a day and a half after it did to see if it would start labor on its own. But it didn’t… Once I got to the hospital and they fully broke my water, things started and progressed on their own.
But again, after that, I wondered. What was my hang-up? Why wasn’t my body doing this?!
So, going into Kieran’s, I did a LOT of mental work. A LOT. I knew I was holding myself back, not believing I could do it. So I had to overcome that.
And guess what? Kieran’s birth was a dream. My labor started on its own, I progressed quickly, my water broke on its own, and there were no complications at all. It showed me – YES! MY BODY CAN DO THIS.
Going into Elle’s birth, I was feeling SO confident. I knew my body could do it… because it did it!
Pre- Elle’s Labor
I love labor and delivery. I think it’s the coolest damn thing that we can experience. So, for nine months, every night, I went to be dreaming of Elle’s birth. I was so determined to do it without an epidural. So, I visualized labor and delivery every night.
I know you can’t control your birth. I tried to tell myself not to confine myself to planning it and thinking that’s how it was going to be. . . but after nine months, I had such a positive dream and scenario going I just knew it was going to be exactly as I envisioned it.
So, as my date passed, I was initially okay with it.
My body wasn’t ready yet. Elle wasn’t ready yet, which was fine. I knew that my body would initiate the process when the time was right, and our little princess would be here.
But as I got closer and closer to 42 weeks, I began to feel the pressure that Western medicine puts on our society. I kept trying to be positive and know that when my body was ready, it’d go into labor. But I was worried that I wasn’t going to be allowed to let my body do its thing, and I’d be forced into an induction.
I had a midwife appointment on November 10, the day before my scheduled induction (that they made me set) and I was a MESS. I literally cried the entire appointment.
And not just a small cry, I bawled the whole time.
The midwife I had, Abby, had only seen me once before and didn’t know me as much, which made me feel bad that I was such a mess. But I couldn’t help it. I tried to ask her if I could move my induction date, but she said that if I wanted to stay under the care of the midwives, I had to be induced. Or else they couldn’t see me anymore if I went past 42 weeks.
This forced induction wasn’t fair – I thought. Everything looked fine – my ultrasound at 41 weeks and my several stress tests. Baby and Mama were just fine.
So why the induction?! Why couldn’t I let my body do what it was supposed to do?
I cried in the parking lot and called my doula, Becky. We talked about my options and then made a plan for how she’d meet me the next day at the hospital for the induction.
On the way home, I stopped at my church and lit a candle, asking for guidance and to trust in God’s plan for me and my baby. I know I shouldn’t have, but I had concocted this beautiful dream of Elle’s labor and delivery, and I was thrown off because it wasn’t coming to fruition. (After my 4th, you would have thought I’d known better)
I went home and cried. I held my other babies and wished that I’d just spontaneously go into labor. I mean- shit. By that point, I had had my membranes swept three times, drank all the teas, bounced on my ball, etc. I had done everything possible.
But labor didn’t start on its own.
And, because my body is a tease, I kept having contractions on and off all night (which I had been having for the three weeks prior), but nothing officially started. Instead, I had a restless sleep that evening, feeling so much worry and dread of being induced.
Halfway through the night, I thought- “this sucks. I’m going to meet my baby tomorrow. And instead of being overly excited, I’m focused on things not going my way. Julie, it would help if you shifted your thinking. This induction is happening whether you like it or not. Focus on the good that is going to come of this.”
So then I spent the second half of the night trying to pump myself up for the birth I had spent nine months getting excited for. I think I got maybe about 3 hours of sleep collectively that night.
November 11, 2023 – Elle’s Birthday
My alarm went off at 5:30 am, and I called to make sure I still should come in at 7:30. They confirmed I should, so I got up and started getting ready. My parents got to my house at 6:30 am to sit with our other three kids, and Josh and I packed up the car.
The hospital is about 45 minutes from our house, but at 7 am on a Saturday, we didn’t have too much traffic. On the way there, I wore my Elvie breast pump and tried to stimulate my nips to get labor to start. But nothing was happening.
We got to the hospital and settled into room 4401. I asked for the room with the tub in it in case I wanted to labor in water. In my dream birth, I was going to labor in my tub- but hey, if I had to do my entire labor in the hospital, I wanted to have the option.
Once we were settled, my amazing doula Becky arrived. Becky had been my doula with Emme, and I was excited to have a full circle moment and have her help us welcome our last baby into the world.
Nurse Amber got us all checked in and ready to go. Stephanie, my midwife, walked in holding my birth plan and sat down to go over it. Being cynical, I said we might as well throw my birth plan out the window since I had to be induced.
Stephanie looked at me very sternly and said – just because you’re getting induced doesn’t mean we can’t follow this. Let’s try to get you to as close to a natural birth as we can.
Becky agreed. And then Josh chimed in, saying that he was there to make sure it happened – or else he knew I’d complain for the rest of my life that I didn’t get to do it.
I really appreciated that. I knew I had the right team with me.
The plan was to start “naturally” and see if we could get labor to start. I said upfront; I didn’t want to drive myself up the wall and sit there all day trying to get labor started. And if our attempt to get it naturally to start didn’t work, then I would be okay starting Pitocin. But I wanted to start with a small amount and, if possible, get it to start labor and then back off and see if my body would continue without it.
Before we were ready to start, I wanted to set up a few things to ensure the room felt as “safe” and comfy as I could make it. Becky got my diffuser set up and going, and I took out my speaker. I had made a labor and delivery playlist for when I was in the throes of contractions, but since I wasn’t in labor yet, I didn’t feel like it was time for that playlist. So I turned on my ’90s women’s power jamz playlist to get the energy up in the room.
We got out my birthing affirmation cards, my TENs unit, a comb, essential oils, my chapstick and ensured I had some water handy.
Ok, now I was ready to get this party started.
Attempting Labor More “Naturally”
The first attempt was to break my water and then stimulate using a breast pump to get labor started.
Before she broke my water, Stephanie confirmed I was 4cm dilated, 90% effaced, and baby was at -2 station.
She broke my water, and then I got to work. I used the breast pump, one side at a time, for 15 minutes each. At the end of the 30-minute stimulation, I walked around the unit for 30 minutes. The hope was between the nipple stimulation and walking around (aka having the baby press down), labor might start.
I did this for two rounds but felt the same. Labor wasn’t starting on its own.
So, I decided to start Pitocin.
Induction and Labor with Pitocin
The plan was to start Pitocin until contractions got consistent, and then I’d try to taper down to see if I could stop the Pitocin. If my labor stalled, we’d know I needed to stay on it. If not, then my body would continue without it.
Why did I want to do this? Well, one big thing was that I was afraid.
I was afraid that my contractions with Pitocin were going to be so intense that I was then going to need an epidural.
So at 11:15 am, we started the Pitocin. By 11:30 am, I started having contractions.
Becky came armed with a plan to help me through the day and to achieve my natural birth goal. She said that every 30 minutes, we were going to move positions.
Before this birth, I had done a TON of thinking about my past births. Thinking through all the hang-ups I had that I believed prevented me from doing it naturally – eventually leading to getting an epidural.
One of them was getting stuck in one position for too long. It’s easy not to want to move when you’re in pain – so I told Becky she had to make sure I moved.
Before labor, we discussed that I would first hate each position I moved into. The first couple of contractions within a new position were always the worst. But, if I gave it a few contractions and still didn’t like it, she’d let me move into a new position.
Since I had just walked around the unit, I decided my first position would be lying in bed with the peanut ball. While my contractions started, I decided to save some energy and rest as much as possible.
So from 11:30 am – 12 pm, I rested. By 12 pm, contractions were getting uncomfortable, and I wanted to get up and move. I decided my second position would be sitting on a birthing ball, moving my hips around. From all my previous births, this was always my favorite position.
As I moved and wiggled my hips on the ball, I felt contractions getting stronger and closer together. I even said they were stronger than I expected.
For the next 30 minutes, I walked around the room. When I had a contraction, it made me stop in my tracks, and I would circle my hips.
And then I had to pee.
So I made my way to the bathroom and spent a few contractions sitting on the toilet. As you might know, they call the toilet the “dilation station”. I took my time while I was there. I didn’t love this in my past labors, but I didn’t mind it too much this time.
Coming out of the bathroom, I wanted to sit down. So we returned to sitting on the birthing ball next to the bed. I was holding off starting my TENs unit because I didn’t want to start it too early. But with the intensity of the contractions, I felt like it was time to put that baby on.
Then, I started to feel all consumed by the contractions. At this point, I knew it was time for my Elle birthing playlist I had curated.
They were coming consistently at that point and getting super intense. After some time I asked if we could potentially begin to turn down the Pitocin. My team agreed, and we started turning the Pitocin down.
Transition
Sitting on my ball, I started thinking – what am I doing?! Why am I doing this naturally? This SUCKS. The pain was getting extremely intense.
I had decided before labor started that my code word for an epidural was “Christmas”. If I got to the point of Christmas, I didn’t want to be talked out of it and wanted an epidural.
At that moment, I told Becky and Josh that I was getting close to Christmas. And Josh immediately got in defensive mode and started trying to pep me up. He said there was no way he would let me cave and “Christmas.”
Becky suggested that before “Christmas,” I get checked to see how dilated I was. I agreed and climbed on top of the bed to prepare. I was up on my knees and draped my hands and chest over the top of the bed.
In my dream of Elle’s birth, I had envisioned I’d be on my hands and knees when I delivered her. When I was up on the table, I felt an overwhelming urge to push, and the next thing I knew, I felt my body try to eject Elle out. I had my eyes shut and my head buried in a pillow, but when I felt my body try to eject her, I saw a huge bright light. I put my hand down to my underwear because I honestly wasn’t sure if the baby had come out or not.
After that contraction, I made my way onto my back, and Stephanie checked me. I was 10cm, and she said Elle was ready to come out!
I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t seem possible that I was already ready to deliver my baby. For my other births, they had taken hours. So this seemed SO quick to me.
Making my way back up onto my knees, draped over the back of the bed, I spent the following two contractions pushing her out into the world.
I had never used my TENs unit all the way up on its highest setting, but MAN, it truly helped with those last few contractions. THANK GOD FOR THAT MACHINE.
I’m not sure what I thought the ring of fire would feel like, but mannnnn, it was intense. It was such an intense sensation feeling her half out of me when I was on the second contraction.
During this time, Josh was the MVP. He leaned over the bed, whispering into my ear that I could do it and that we were about to meet our baby. He helped me more than he’ll ever know in those last minutes.
Elle’s Entrance Into This World
At 2 pm, Elle Fike Croner was born into this world.
As she came out, I quickly turned around to meet her. I got all tangled in my gown and the TENs unit- so after some finagling, I got comfy and enjoyed my first few snuggles with Elle.
I kept repeating, “I did it. We did it!”. I was so proud and excited to know that, even though I had to be induced and get Pitocin, I was still able to give birth without an epidural.
This had been a massive goal of mine, and I was SO excited to be able to check it off my list.
With my other births, I had been so focused on the baby that I never noticed the process of delivering the placenta. I was always fascinated with it once it was born, but I can’t ever remember feeling it coming out.
But this time- I felt it. And it was the STRANGEST feeling I’ve ever experienced. Within one contraction, the placenta came out, and I had this feeling of emptiness in my belly for the first time in months. I never remember feeling such a distinct difference in my stomach as I did then. It was a bizarre experience.
Elle didn’t pink up right away, so they had to take her away to the giraffe bed and try to get her breathing better. Shortly after, she pinked up and came back to my chest.
During that first hour, Josh was jealous of me holding her and kept asking to have her. She latched so well during those initial moments, and after spending an hour with her, I finally let Dad have a chance to hold her.
Elle and I ended up having to spend an extra night in the hospital because I had high blood pressure and Elle had high bilirubin levels. But we enjoyed the quiet and extra snuggles before going home to the craziness of our house.
Looking Back
All in all, when I look back at her birth, I feel a range of emotions. It was truly a rollercoaster, for sure.
I started the experience so upset that I had to be induced, but I ended on cloud 9, knowing I was able to achieve the goal I had set out to achieve.
After experiencing it, I can say that I definitely don’t need to experience a natural birth again. BUT I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to do it.
I’m so thankful to Stephanie and Becky for helping guide me through the process and getting me to the natural birth I wanted. And I’m eternally grateful to my husband, who supported me throughout this pregnancy and Elle’s birth.
Elle – whether your due date was off or you were stubborn and didn’t want to come, I’m so grateful to have gotten to experience this with you. Thank you for allowing me to achieve my goal for the last six years. I love you with all my heart and am so proud to be your Mama.
Wishing You A Pain Free Day!
