I Have Trust Issues . . . – it's just a bad day, not a bad life!

I have trust issues.

I’m not talking about not trusting my boyfriend,

or not trusting my family and friends,

but I have issues trusting my body.

I say ‘my body’ because I trust myself, the person who I am on the inside, but I don’t trust the body that I was given in this world.

A yoga teacher once told our class ‘Trust yourself. Even in the face of adversity, and trauma, you should trust yourself to still laugh, have fun, enjoy life and not give up’.

As she told us that I sunk deeper and deeper into my warrior, trusting that I wasn’t going to over do it.

Then I began to think. *ahhhh the dreaded thoughts*

‘What if I AM over doing it? Just because I’m not in pain doesn’t mean I’m not over doing it. Maybe I should back off… but then I won’t really be getting the benefits…’

This inner dialogue continued until I screamed ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!! (don’t worry, I screamed it in my head, not in class… although, maybe you should be worrying if I’m screaming at myself in my head. yikes.)

I centered back into my practice, started repeating the mantra ‘I trust myself’ over and over with my breath, and finished strong.

I trust myself more than anyone else in the world. But what I struggle with is trusting my body.

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“Fatigue in varying degrees is a frequent, often debilitating problem that significantly affects patients’ lives. Fatigue can be constant and persistent, or fluctuating and unpredictable.”

(International Journal of Rheumatology, Measuring Disease Activity in Psoriatic Arthritis)

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Living with psoriatic arthritis I never know how I’m going to feel. Some days I can get out of bed relatively quickly, complete some errands and have enough energy to last all day. Other days my head barely makes it off the pillow. At first I thought that if I rested all week then by the weekend I’d have energy to do whatever I want. BUT, I quickly realized that’s not the case. I could rest all day long and wake up the next day feeling horrible.

Why?

I’ve been searching for an answer to this question for awhile. Doctor’s seem to tell you to do the following:

- Eat a diet providing at least five servings of fresh fruit or vegetables a day
- Reduce the animal fats in your diet and avoid fatty foods as much as possible
- Eat fresh, home-made foods rather than pre-packaged convenience foods
- Increase your intake of B-group vitamins needed for the production of energy in the body: brown rice, wholegrain bread and cereals, oatmeal and oatflakes, pulses, green leafy vegetables, oily fish, poultry
- Aim to eat more oily fish, virgin olive oil or rapeseed oil, nuts and seeds
- If you are unable to increase your intake of fish, consider taking an omega-3 fish oil supplement
- Cut back on saturated spreads and vegetable oils and products containing them such as bought biscuits and cakes
- Consider taking a vitamin and mineral supplement supplying around 100% of the recommended daily amount for as many nutrients as possible
- Avoid excess stress
- Take regular, gentle exercise
- Try to lose any excess weight
- Try to get a good night’s sleep
- Avoid things that interfere with sleep such as caffeine, nicotine, excessive alcohol and eating rich, heavy food late at night
- Aim to control your inflammation

From PAPA.org’s article ‘Why do I feel so tired?’

I can’t say I see anything wrong with that list. I believe they’re all great suggestions and instructions I would suggest to others. But, unfortunately, it still doesn’t help with the predictability factor.

So What Can I Do To Get Over Chronic Illness Body Trust?

I truly believe the only things I CAN do are

1. Make sure I’m doing everything in my power to control my fatigue (ie. following suggestions similar to the ones above)

2. Work on accepting my distrust through exercises like yoga, mantra, meditation, self therapy sessions (haha!)

3. Once I’ve accepted it, I must then work to embrace fatigue in my life.

Embrace fatigue in my life?

Yes, I believe that I need to work on embracing the fact that I will always have fatigue.

Embracing fatigue will help me come to terms with plans getting screwed up, activities having to be canceled, and the like. I don’t know when it will affect me, but I can take extra steps to prepare myself for days like this. Getting things ready ahead of time, making contingency plans, educating my friends and family on how it affects me.

I’m a human being and I have emotions – therefore I will always be emotionally affected when fatigue ruins my plans. This past weekend was a huge bummer. Friday I was supposed to go to a birthday dinner for a friend, Saturday I was supposed to have dinner with my boyfriend and Sunday I was looking forward to doing something with the family. But, instead, I was stuck in bed all day and all night.

One thing that I do know is attitude affects your health more than you realize. Instead of sitting here sulking, I’ve been repeating my mantra ‘It’s just a bad day, not a bad life’ all day long. It may not be what I had planned to do today, but it’s what my body needed.

Just like building trust with friends, I believe that my acceptance and embrace of fatigue will take a lot of work and dedication. But you know what? This is my life and I want to live it, NOT watch it pass by me.

SO CHALLENGE ACCEPTED BODY. *BAM!*

You just messed with the wrong chick.

Wishing You A Pain Free Day!